Mayonnaise Is a Goddamn Miracle

What Is Mayonnaise?

You know what mayonnaise is? Mayonnaise is a goddamn miracle.

BuT i DoN’t LiKe MaYoNnAiSe

Some of you don’t like mayonnaise, and that’s fine. You’re entitled to your extremely wrong opinion.

Mayonnaise is an oil that’s basically solid at room temperature. Think about that. Think of the implications! What can you do with a solid oil? Or, really, what can’t you do?, since that’s probably the shorter list.

What Do With Mayonnaise?!

Here, in no particular order, are some of my favorite things to do with mayonnaise:

• Mix it with ~flavor ingredient*~ and put it on top of salmon, or whatever similar fish. Bake that at 425º for 6 minutes, then broil until nice and golden and bubbly. Perfect salmon. (Use store-bought mayo! This does not work nearly as well with homemade mayo!)
• Use it instead of butter on the outside of your grilled cheese, since nobody ever has soft butter for that, and melting butter in the pan ISN’T THE SAME.
• Use it to lube up your steaks (cooked sous vide, or raw) before grilling, and avoid dripping-oil flare-ups.
• Deviled. Frickin’. Eggs.
• Put it on bread to keep wet sandwich ingredients from sogging up your bread.
• It is a valid dip for fries, and a good base for other dips like tartar sauce and “aïoli”.
• This is not a joke, in college we used to mix Tabasco Mayonnaise (TM) and canned tuna and pasta, and it was delicious and cheap.
• Here are some more ideas.

* – ~flavor ingredients~ may include, but are not limited to, one or a combination of the following: hot sauce, pesto, salsa verde, dijon mustard, microplaned garlic, lemon or lime zest and juice, ground spices, hoisin, gochujang, minced charred jalapeño, etc.

You can’t do any of that with liquid oil.

Mayonnaise is a goddamn miracle.

Homemade vs. Store Bought???!??!1

I don’t care. I literally do not care. Some people absolutely lose their minds over homemade mayonnaise, but I honestly don’t find it that much different.

I will make my own mayo if I’m cooking something for a client that requires a specific flavor profile; like say I’m serving fried calamari with “lemon aïoli”. (I KNOW IT’S NOT “REAL” AIOLI, COME FOLLOW ME ON THIS JOURNEY.) I’ll make Kenji’s 2-Minute Mayonnaise, add a few extra garlic cloves, extra lemon juice, and a boatload of lemon zest. Pow, “lemon aïoli”. I’ll even whisk in extra lemon juice or oil if it needs to be thinner. Custom!

Also, Kenji’s 2-Minute Mayonnaise? A goddamn miracle. The trick is to (1) use an immersion blender, and (2) use the container that came with your immersion blender. If you do that, it is perfect every time. Don’t use olive oil, it will taste bitter and nasty, because science. Whisk in extra olive oil by hand if you have to.

BuT i’M vEgAn

Kenji also has a simple vegan mayonnaise recipe, there you go bb. I’ve never made it, but it looks fine, and come on, it’s Kenji. We love Kenji. Kenji is a goddamn miracle.

What Is The Best Mayonnaise To Buy, Because I Have To Spend All My Time Figuring Out What Is The Best Of Everything And Also I Need Gatekeepers To Tell Me What I Should Like?

People have Strong Opinions about mayonnaise brands. It’s really down to whatever you grew up with, I think.

I used to keep Hellmann’s around, but that was before I could reliably get Duke’s. Duke’s has a cult following, and I do think it’s better than Hellmann’s, but in the same way that I think that 65 Lb cardstock is better than 60 Lb cardstock. The preference is slight, but it’s there. Duke’s tastes a little brighter to me. My husband prefers Hellmann’s. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Kewpie is another cult mayo, but let’s talk about where it was made! US made Kewpie has sugar. Japan made Kewpie has MSG. Both are made with egg yolk only, and so they’re very eggy. I’ve only had the Japanese Kewpie, and it’s a fine quality mayo. Any excuse to go to H Mart, though, really.

Miracle Whip is not mayonnaise. Go home.

Blue Plate is very good. Sir Kensington’s is very eggy (yolks only again, like Kewpie). Whole Foods’ 365 brand is very gross and only to be used as a last resort.

Tabasco Mayonnaise is a national treasure. It DOES NOT taste the same to mix it yourself at home.

Last thoughts?

Mayonnaise is a goddamn miracle.